


Memoir

by Suolainensilakka



Series: Softlight [5]
Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One), Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Graphic Violence, M/M, Multi, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), Robogore, a flashback fic this time, crossray and tourniquet are briefly mentioned cameos but I still love them, here's a bit of spotlight's past in the form of horrifyingly gutwrenching angst :), mm yes lots of robogore, no canon characters allowed here lmao, no seriously I almost cried while writing this, softlight isn't the main thing here but it's still mentioned at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-05
Updated: 2018-09-05
Packaged: 2019-07-07 06:28:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15902724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suolainensilakka/pseuds/Suolainensilakka
Summary: Spotlight has a pretty good reason for not wanting to talk about their past. They're not sure if they ever could, haunted by the image of a pair of warm cyan optics and a seeker's bright smile every time they look in the mirror.





	Memoir

**Author's Note:**

  * For [useeername](https://archiveofourown.org/users/useeername/gifts).



> There's pretty graphic descriptions of (robot) gore and violence here, jus a warning
> 
> This is probably the angstiest fuckin fic I have written in my life lmAO

A large, compressed ball of energy whizzed past Spotlight’s helm with a high-pitched whine as they ducked downwards, narrowly avoiding the blast and letting out a startled hiss as the bullet lightly nicked their helm crest, leaving a thin and elongated scorch mark in its wake. The medic ignored the crackling boom of the explosion that followed soon after, immediately dashing forward and diving behind a nearby pile of rubble just before a shower of smaller energy blasts shot out with a dangerous-sounding hum to pepper the place Spotlight had just been standing in with rows upon rows of tiny, burnt craters. Spotlight’s face twisted into a strained snarl as they searched around their subspace pocket for a more suitable weapon, finally locating their own laser pistol and pulling it out with a small chime and leaning over their shoulder to peek at their opponent from behind their makeshift shelter.

 

The red-armored Decepticon was reloading his weapon behind a toppled-over supply crate, helm exposed, and Spotlight instinctively took the opportunity and rolled out from behind their hideout to aim. The mech rapidly turned around at the sound of Spotlight’s weapon charging, and barely had enough time to let out a sharp gasp before his left optic was shattered with the force of the following blast. One more shot later the mech collapsed onto the ground with a loud thud, energon gushing out of what remained of his helm and mouth opened into a shocked scream. Spotlight wasted no time in getting back up to continue their mission, taking care to avoid jostling the now rapidly greying corpse. They owed the fallen soldier at least that much, enemy or not. A shaky, regretful sigh slipped past their lips - Primus, they  _ hated _ this war. Medics were supposed to  _ heal _ injured bots, not kill them.

 

Mentally shaking themself out of their short lament, Spotlight dodged another stray energy blast and diverted their attention towards their internal HUD, which had been constantly pinging with nearly non-stop distress calls from various wounded Autobots ever since the medic had entered the battlefield. Spotlight had learned long ago that there was no way they could help all of them on their own, and as much as the thought pained them, they had to focus on the bots closest to them and the ones with the most severe injuries. If need be, the others could hold on for a little bit longer before Spotlight got to them.

 

Singling out the coordinates to the nearest SOS, the medic swiftly corrected their course and sent a quick ping of acknowledgement to the soldier as they shot off with a loud rev of their engine. Dodging various pieces of rubble and severed body parts scattered throughout the field as they made their way to their chosen patient, Spotlight made sure to pay close attention to the battle raging around them - one single mistake could mean a very quick and very painful end. They flinched for a moment as an explosion suddenly rang out on their left far too close for comfort - Spotlight swerved to avoid the blast wave and shrapnel, feeling the scorching heat of the bomb even through their thick armor as they struggled to keep their balance.

 

After stabilizing their weight, Spotlight resumed on their path - a flash of silver and faded prussian blue caught their optic, and their HUD flashed in a silent confirmation that they had found their target. Swerving towards the bot and transforming, Spotlight leapt forward and crouched protectively over the injured soldier, letting out a quiet but sharp click to attract their patient’s attention. The seeker - evidenced by the bot’s large, dark blue wings pinned against his back to avoid damaging them - instantly perked up to look at Spotlight with a small gasp of relief, which was then cut off by a hiss of pain as a nearby explosion caused the ground to shake and jostled the bleeding wound on the mech’s abdomen. There was a small pool of energon forming underneath him, staining the ground around him with softly glowing blue - Spotlight’s optics immediately focused on the cluster of dark grey bomb shrapnel jutting out of the warped metal on his side. The medic gently reached forward to slowly push the bot into a sitting position, occasionally letting out quiet, rhythmic clicks in an attempt to soothe the distressed seeker.

 

“Easy, friend,” they rumbled softly, pulling out a pair of surgical pincers from their subspace and using their second pair of arms to hold the trembling seeker down. “What’s your name?” they asked, taking care to keep their voice low and friendly as they counted the number of shards stuck onto their patient. The seeker coughed faintly, deep azure optics flashing in place of a grateful smile as his mouth was covered by a silvery mask.

 

“C…” he began before coughing more forcefully, and drew in a sharp inhale before continuing, “... Crossray. My name is Crossray.” Another small coughing fit wracked his frame and the mech hissed in pain once more, servos instinctively moving to grasp at the wound on his abdomen. Spotlight searched their memory banks for the appropriate procedure before continuing, and let out a curious hum in response.

 

“Well then, Crossray, it’s nice to meet you. My name is Spotlight,” they replied warmly, before observing the seeker’s wound for a moment and letting out a small sigh. “Alright, there’s no time for me to apply any painkillers, so this is going to sting. Ready?”

 

Crossray looked like he was going to be sick, but gave a weak nod in response anyways. “D-do what you gotta do.”

 

Spotlight nodded back in response, before moving to grasp the biggest shard with their pincers carefully. Then, they took a deep breath and pulled.

 

A loud, startled scream ripped its way out of Crossray’s vocalizer as he bucked underneath Spotlight’s arms, wings slamming against the collapsed pile of rubble he was leaning on with a loud, ringing clang. Spotlight winced momentarily, tightening their hold on the mech and moving onto the next shard with an apologetic grimace, “Sorry.” They positioned the pincers around the shard and then carefully yanked it out, earning another pained howl from their patient. Spotlight’s spark gave a small, uncomfortable warble at the cries - they couldn’t  _ stand _ that noise. Every single string of fresh, new medical coding in Spotlight’s processor screamed at them to fix the source of their patient’s distress as soon as physically possible, and they quickened their pace as best as they could without harming Crossray further. One after the another, the shards gradually came off and fell to the ground with a soft, metallic clatter as Spotlight worked, constantly giving off a low and soothing rumble from their engine to help calm the seeker’s frantic hissing.

 

After a few minutes, Spotlight retracted the pincers and pulled out several thin sheets of metal and a small, low-temperature blowtorch. Crossray’s weakly flickering optics moved to look at the objects with a flash of concern visible in them, and Spotlight sent out a pulse of calming patience through their EM field towards the bot as they clicked softly.

 

“Easy, Ray. I removed all the shards that I could, although there are still some smaller ones that are lodged in places I’d rather not touch without better supplies and out in the field. I’m going to apply some emergency welds, alright? It’s just so you can get to the evacuation point and a qualified medbay safely, you’ll need to have the remaining shrapnel removed there,” they explained calmly, slowly moving to place one of the metal sheets over the largest wound and gently pressing it to it. Crossray let out another sharp hiss, but then nodded slowly in understanding, vocalizer having been shut down in an effort to conserve energy. Spotlight gave a small, reassuring nod in response and got to work.

 

Moments later, the medic breathed out a relieved sigh and pulled the blowtorch and leftover metal back into their subspace pocket. They gave Crossray’s shoulder a gentle and encouraging pat, and the seeker’s optics flicked to look at Spotlight’s own.

 

“There we go, I’m done. You did great, Ray,” Spotlight said with a warm smile, before slowly getting up with a huff and gently helping Crossray into a standing position as well. “Now get to safety, alright?”

 

Crossray coughed once and nodded, optics flashing in a wordless thanks. He then waited for a moment until his equilibrium stabilized, and shot off into the field with a parting wave of gratitude to the medic. Spotlight flashed another small smile towards the seeker before they resumed on their search for new patients through their HUD, and it wasn’t long before they found their next target. Spotlight then transformed and drove off with a squeal of their tires, leaving only faint skid marks in their wake.

 

Everything after that was all a blur in Spotlight’s memories as they searched for patients, stabilized their injuries and sent them off one after another. Their spark was pounding against its chamber fervently, vents working at their highest setting as Spotlight kept jumping from place to place without almost any breaks or pauses whatsoever, nearly bordering at the edge of overheating as their systems poured all of their energy into processing their current tasks and completing them as fast as they could manage. The battle around them raged on and showed no signs of stopping any time soon, and Spotlight absently paused to dodge a stray missile flying overhead and dived behind a rubble pile to avoid the explosion. It was only after the blast wave had passed that they realized with an uncomfortable jolt that they had almost been hit, and fought to keep their distressed spark calm as it hammered against their throat thunderously. Primus, they need to be more careful.  _ Much _ more careful. Their spark gave another fearful keen at the thought.

 

Suddenly, Spotlight let out a small, startled gasp as they felt something tug at their spark, sending an affectionate pulse of warmth through the sparkbond that pulled the medic’s lips into a wide smile.

 

_ “Steady, Sunshine - don’t overwork yourself,”  _ drawled a smooth tenor from the other side of the bond. Spotlight gave a small chuckle in response, sending back a pulse of playful agreement.

 

_ “I know, Flash, I’m trying. Aren’t you supposed to be working as well, though?” _ they replied as they peeked over their shoulder to check for a potential ambush, and their conjunx merely gave a short, gleeful cackle as a reply.

 

_ “Sure am, dearest. Look above,”  _ he responded, and Spotlight immediately craned their helm upwards just in time to see a sleek white and teal jet glide over their hideout with a near-deafening roar of its engine. The medic’s spark skipped a beat.

 

_ “Flightflash,  _ **_what_ ** _ in the name of the Thirteen are you doing out in the field?” _ they hissed sharply, optics wide open as they watched their sparkmate perform an elegant aileron roll while firing off missile after missile at a troop of unfortunate Vehicons on the ground.

 

_ “I was pulled off medical leave for this mission pretty recently,”  _ he replied absently, attention focused on dodging the shower of energy bullets the ‘Cons were pelting at him in response to his attack.  _ “I didn’t really have much of a say in the matter, Sunny. They need every fighter they can get,” _ he continued grimly. Spotlight huffed, optics narrowing disapprovingly even if they knew Flightflash couldn’t see it.

 

_ “I know that, but you’re still not supposed to strain yourself - you’re the one with a weakened spark, and  _ you’re _ the one who lectures  _ me _ about overworking myself?” _ they bit out pointedly, pushing a glimpse of their worry through their sparkbond to put more emphasis into their words. Flightflash sent an apologetic pulse back before a feeling of tired resignedness washed over the bond, and the seeker sighed internally as he banked away from the Vehicons and into safer air to continue speaking.

 

_ “Spot, seriously, we’re not having this conversation again. I know I’m supposed to take it easy, but right now I don’t have a choice. You need to understand that,” _ he retorted calmly, and Spotlight replied with an uneasy rumble.

 

_ “... Yes. I know. But I still worry,” _ they responded softly. They paused for a moment.  _ “I love you. Please, in the name of Primus himself, stay safe.” _

 

Flightflash’s alt mode performed another spiraling roll, and the seeker sent back a warm chuckle to the medic.

 

_ “Sure thing, Sunshine. But only if you watch your back too,” _ he replied, and Spotlight heard the wide grin in his voice.

 

They were just about to reply with another playful jab before their optics suddenly focused onto a large Decepticon tank rolling into view, the giant railgun on its back glowing bright red with building up energy and slowly rising to aim at the white and teal jet flying above.

 

Everything around Spotlight froze. For a moment, it seemed as if the planet itself had stopped breathing, encasing everything in a crystal clear blanket of glowing red as Spotlight opened their mouth to scream out a warning to the still-oblivious seeker.

 

“ **_Flash, behind y––_ ** ”

 

The tank fired.

 

The heated-up air around the shot gave a warbling whine as the beam of pure energy blasted forward with the speed of light and the force of thunder, hitting its mark with a crackling boom that bathed Spotlight’s vision in an endless ocean of red. The medic collapsed on the ground with an anguished howl, static clouding their optics as they clawed at their chest plating to try desperately to get rid of the awful burning that had suddenly flared out frighteningly close to their own spark. Distantly, a calming voice in Spotlight’s processor noted that it meant Flightflash’s spark hadn’t been hit directly - but the voice was soon drowned under Spotlight’s racing thoughts and rapidly increasing panic.

 

_ It didn’t hit his spark _ , Spotlight tried to think.  _ It didn’t hit his spark, but it came extremely close - too close, way too close, he’s hit he’s hit he’s going-to-crash-he-can’t-make-it- _ **_he’ll-crash-he-can’t-make-it-HE-CAN’T-MAKE-IT––_ **

 

Spotlight’s engine gave a quivering hiccup as the medic scrambled to get up, cooling fans working overtime as they gasped for air and searched the sky for their conjunx. Their optics instantly focused on the form of a familiar white jet soaring downwards much faster than it was supposed to, flames billowing out of its partially destroyed cockpit. The jet then transformed, and Flightflash’s frame folded into view before disappearing behind a faraway pile of rubble. A loud, booming clang rang out, and Spotlight jumped into motion with a frightened gasp. Transforming, they sped off towards the noise, and distantly noted that the Decepticon from earlier was retreating, apparently deeming a fallen seeker and an agitated medic not worthy of wasting ammo on. Spotlight forced themself to ignore the sudden surge of blistering fury building up in their frame at the sight of the tank, and focused on getting to their conjunx as fast as they possibly could, surging forward with a powerful rev of their engine.

 

Moments later, Spotlight transformed back into their root mode and stumbled forward with a strangled wheeze, optics landing on the sight of Flightflash’s heavily mangled frame leaning onto the wrecked remains of some unfortunate Decepticon bomber plane, energon gushing out of a gaping hole in his chest and collecting into a glowing pool beneath the seeker. Spotlight’s optics went wide and they immediately moved to crouch in front of the injured mech, a shaky gasp slipping past their lips as they observed the severity of the wound.

 

They hated the realization. They hated admitting it even more. And yet, there was no way it could be ignored.

 

There was absolutely no way that Spotlight could ever fix this in time.

 

The medical protocols in Spotlight’s processor were all giving off relentless warning signals and demanding attention to all the injuries that Flightflash had sustained, and Spotlight was only able to count a few of them before they realized with a horrible feeling of their tanks flipping that the seeker wouldn’t make it. Not with one of his main arterial energon lines ruptured and his spark chamber partially exposed, revealing small glimpses of the seeker’s weakly flickering and fading soul.

 

“Flash, I…” Spotlight began, trembling. Their visor had dissipated from the stress long ago, so there was nothing hiding the tears sliding down their cheeks as they struggled not to choke on their words. Flightflash turned his helm to look at the distraught medic, a small smile tugging at his lips as he slowly raised an arm to grab one of Spotlight’s servos, squeezing it gently.

 

“Hi, Sunshine,” he murmured softly, voice weak from his rapidly worsening injuries. He simply let out a small, shaky laugh, as if he’d already accepted his fate. “Looks like today’s not my lucky day, eh…?”

 

Spotlight’s engine revved loudly, and they shook their helm with a frustrated growl.

 

“Flash, don’t. Don’t say that. You’re…“

 

Oh, how desperately they wanted to say “you’re going to be alright”. But they couldn’t. They couldn’t promise something they both knew was a lie.

 

So, they simply fell silent once more, trying to swallow the tight lump building up at the back of their throat. They squeezed Flightflash’s servo in return, taking comfort in the touch they knew would soon grow cold and lifeless.

 

Spotlight was only shaken out of their state of early mourning by their HUD giving off a short ping, indicating a communication request from another Autobot in the field. Spotlight’s engine rumbled faintly in annoyance at having their moment interrupted, but they accepted the request nonetheless.

 

::Yes?::

 

::Ah, good, you answered!:: came a startlingly cheerful female voice from the other side of the line. ::It’s good to hear you’re alright, Spot, I was starting to worry something had happened since you weren’t responding,:: the voice continued. Spotlight merely blinked, biting back an irritated snarl.

 

::Yes, well, I have a bit of a situation here. What is it, Tourniquet?:: they replied curtly, taking care to avoid letting their voice quiver too much.

 

::... Jeez, everything alright there? You sound like you’re about to cry,:: Tourniquet responded, suddenly sounding concerned. Well, apparently that didn’t work. Spotlight hung their helm with a sigh, simply sending their fellow medic a string of coordinates to their location and a burst of several short glyph-based messages, not trusting their voice to hold steady.

 

::danger::conjunx down::wounded::mortal peril::need help:: **hurry** ::

 

With that, Spotlight closed the link with a snap. They didn’t wait to hear Tourniquet’s reply as they focused their attention back to their sparkmate, who was looking at them with a sad, pensive expression.

 

“You called for backup, didn’t you?” Flighflash asked softly, tilting his helm to the side. He then let out a sharp hiss as he clutched his chest, nearly doubling over, and Spotlight saw his spark energy flare out for a moment through its exposed chamber before settling back down. The medic flinched, feeling their own spark jolt painfully as it mimicked the sensation their conjunx was feeling, and they moved to hold Flightflash still before they shook their helm, blinking away the tears in their optics.

 

“I can’t just let you wither away while doing nothing. Pit, there’s nothing much I  _ can _ do - I wasn’t trained to operate on sparks, I wasn’t even let anywhere  _ near _ them, I don’t––” they paused for a moment, a small sob interrupting their speech. “––I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to d-do, I––” 

 

“ _ Hey. _ ”

 

Spotlight snapped their mouth shut, immediately turning to look at the mech before them. Flightflash’s warm cyan optics were clouded with pain, Spotlight could see that, and yet there was a certain essence of sharp, piercing determination in them that made Spotlight unable to flinch away.

 

“You’re doing just fine, Sunshine. You and I both know I don’t have much time, try as you might to prolong it,” he spoke calmly, pausing to cough out a small splatter of energon with a pained grimace. There was a short silence as the seeker collected his thoughts. “Please just stay here. With me. That’s all I ask of you.” Flightflash paused again, drawing in a wavering breath. “Stay.”

 

The word was accompanied by a pulse of longing and warmth from the pair’s sparkbond, and Spotlight merely nodded in response before leaning forward to gently lay their forehelm on Flightflash’s own, holding the mech’s trembling servo as tightly as they dared. It wasn’t long before their gentle, soothing murmurs through the bond dissolved into near-desperate pleas for Flightflash to hold on, wait just a little longer, to keep fighting until help arrived. Flightflash simply focused on soothing the medic’s racing thoughts with soft-spoken encouragements and comforting words, but Spotlight saw the light in the seeker’s optics shine fainter and fainter as the minutes went by.

 

“I don’t want to die.”

 

Silence. Spotlight looked up at Flightflash’s face, only to notice the seeker trembling as tears rolled down his face.

 

“I know I will, but I don’t want to.” Flightflash paused, swallowing. “I’m scared.”

 

He wasn’t lying, Spotlight felt the despair radiating from the other side of the sparkbond. They chewed on their lip for a moment, sighing quietly.

 

“I’m sorry.”   
  
Flightflash’s optics flicked to look into Spotlight’s own, surprised.

 

“I’m so sorry. If I had just gotten to you in time, if I had seen the Decepticon earlier, I could have– I could have––” Spotlight stuttered, composure breaking down completely as their voice cracked and their engine hiccuped.

 

“It’s not your fault, Sun,” Flightflash retorted sharply, before letting out another shuddering cough. He then squeezed Spotlight’s servo reassuringly, optics flickering. “It’s not your fault. You’re right, you’re always right, I should have been more careful, I should have watched the ground,” he spoke, speech becoming slightly slurred as his spark flashed again, its bright azure glow gradually starting to fade into a deeper indigo and then into a dull, silvery midnight blue. He only had a few minutes left, at best.

 

“I love you,” he breathed out, barely having enough strength left to speak. “I love you so much, you don’t even know - I sure as Pit know I’m gonna miss you,” he continued, coughing. Spotlight leaned forward, pressing their helm onto Flightflash’s frame as they drew in a shivering breath.

 

“I love you too, I’m–- I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, please don’t go––” they stammered back before being cut off by another sob, and they felt their conjunx send them a pulse of exasperated forgiveness and affection.

 

_ “It’s alright, Sunny, I promise. You’re okay. You’ll be alright. Please, just don’t fall into despair once I’m gone. I don’t want you to get lost without me,” _ Flightflash spoke softly, having switched to using their sparkbond instead of his already weakened voice.  _ “I love you.” _

 

And then, just like that, his face stilled, optics fading to a muted silver, and his spark gave one last pulse before it finally dimmed and vanished.

 

The sparkbond shattered with a dissonant chime and Spotlight’s entire world dissolved into anguished screaming as they were bombarded with pain from every corner of their frame, burning with a blazing fire and tearing at their spark with nearly unimaginable fury and agony as their soul searched desperately for some trace of a bond that should have been there, and yet it wasn’t he’s-gone-he’s-dead-he’s-not-coming-back- **he’s-** **_GONE––_ **

  
  


\------

  
  


Software wasn’t normally a heavy sleeper. However, even if he was, he highly doubted that he would have been able to ignore the sound of Spotlight suddenly clambering upwards from their berth with a strangled yell, twin swords on their arms unsheathed and visor disintegrating to reveal the startlingly wild look of terror and fury in their bright cyan optics. Software jumped awake with an alarmed squawk, almost falling off his own side of the berth while his processor rebooted itself into a more conscious state to better process the situation. The expression on Spotlight’s face might have made him bolt to safety had he not known they were his sparkmate and would never harm him, but he still flinched.

 

“Spot…? What’s going on?” Software mumbled quietly, slowly rising into a sitting position. Spotlight didn’t respond, swords still held in a way that suggested they were prepared for battle. Their cooling fans were whirring at their highest setting, and their optics were still flicking from place to place - Software felt their spark pounding almost hard enough to be audible outside their sparkbond. Realization dawned upon the minibot, and his optics widened as he let out a small sigh.

 

“Night terrors again?” he asked softly, leaning forward to watch his conjunx’s face.

 

The words seemed to finally snap Spotlight back to the present, and they blinked once before slowly pulling their swords back into their subspace with a shuddering sigh. They nodded silently, and Software’s spark gave a worried keen at the medic’s tired, dejected expression. Software paused for a moment, then slowly shuffled closer to his conjunx.

 

“You okay?” he asked. Spotlight didn’t reply. Then, slowly, they wrapped their arms around the minibot and pulled him into a tight embrace, and Software only hesitated for a moment before hugging Spotlight back.

 

They were trembling. Software noticed it immediately. It was rather hard not to, with the medic’s armor shaking hard enough to audibly rattle, even if the noise was quite faint.

 

A few minutes went by in tense silence, and Software contemplated if he should ask what had gotten Spotlight so agitated. When he noticed something small and wet drip down onto his helm, he decided against it. He had a pretty good idea of what it was if it was bad enough to bring his sparkmate to tears.

 

So, Software simply sighed quietly, and held Spotlight tighter. Primus knows they needed comfort right now.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> :')


End file.
